Today’s addition to the skits written and performed by my cohort of M.I.T. economics graduate students (we joined the program in 1974-75) was performed in early 1976. It is a parody of the classic Judy Garland movie The Wizard of Oz. As coincidence would have it, the faculty’s own contribution to the skit party was a Wizard of Oz parody too. There are so many obscure references in the script that I’ll perhaps prepare an annotated version later. Not to brag, but Paul Samuelson was reported to have said after seeing my performance as the cowardly lion words to the effect “I think that guy might be in the wrong business.”
A parody of Alice in Wonderland set in the Wonderland Institute of Technology in 1975 was written and performed in 1975. In addition to the script I posted a list of my classmates with links to some biographical information where I was able to find something.
In 1978 many of same people were involved in Casablank, a parody of the movie Casablanca. That script has likewise been transcribed and posted here at Economics in the Rear-view Mirror.
_________________
Cast of characters [corresponding Professor]
in order of appearance with actor’s name when known
Wizard of Mit [Paul Samuelson] played by Paul Krugman
Dorothy [Representative graduate student] played by Margaret Feiger (neé Agnew)
Mailman
Del [Del Tapley, Department Administrator]
Munchkin Labor Force Kid [Robert Hall]
Munchkin Mayor [Evsey Domar] played by William Krasker
Munchkin Adelman [Morris Adelman]
Wicked Witch of the East
Scarecrow [Robert Solow] played by Jay Helms
Tin Man [Franco Modigliani] played by Dick Startz
Oil Can [Stanley Fischer] played by Jeffrey Frankel
Lion [Jerry Hausman] played by Bud Collier
Narrator
Housewife
_________________
THE WIZARD OF E52-383C
by Messrs. B. Collier, J. Frankel, J. Helms, R. Hill, P. Krugman, D. Startz.
Act I
Scene I
Wizard (offstage) Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. I am the Great and Powerful Wizard of Mit. Tonight the Second year class presents a tale of the supernatural—The Wizard of E52-383C. Any resemblance between faculty members and characters in this skit is purely coincidental. Pay no attention to the identifying initials worn by the actors! Our action begins in Kansas where Dorothy, a college senior, has received a series of troubling letters.
Dorothy: (picking up and reading letters): I don’t understand it. I’ve been rejected by every grad school I applied to. Chicago…Stanford…Slippery Rock State Teacher’s College…University of Southern North Dakota…Southwestern Virginia College for Small Women…What did I do wrong? I wonder if I should have mentioned on my applications that I have an NSF fellowship?
(FANFARE)
enter Mailman (running): Special delivery! I have a piece of registered mail for Occupant.
Dorothy: That’s me! (opens letter) Why, it’s a letter from MIT. (begins reading)
Mailman (to audience): Dorothy’s letter says: “Dear Sir, Madam, or otherwise: We hear you have received an NSF and are delighted to admit you to our graduate economics program. This acceptance is, of course, based solely on our evaluation of your academic promise and be sure to fill out and return the enclosed financial form immediately.”
Dorothy: Hey, how do you know what it says? Did you get the same letter?
Mailman: Why not? Nobody said that it had to be a one-to-one correspondence.
Dorothy: Well, I guess I’d better go to MIT. But I don’t know how to get there. Excuse me, sir, (turning to Mailman), but can you tell me how I can get to MIT?
Mailman: (solemnly) Study!
Scene II
Dorothy: Somehow, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.
Del: Hi! What witch are you?
Dorothy: Which what? Who? Huh? Oh! Why, I’m not a witch at all. As a matter of fact, I’ve never even seen a witch, I went to a state university.
Munchkins: Hee hee.
Dorothy: What’s that?
Del: They’re laughing because I am a witch. I’m Del, the good witch of the North.
Dorothy: Oh, I beg your pardon. But who are they?
Del: Those are Munchkins, the little people who live in this land. And you are their national heroine, for you have killed the Wicked Witch of the East Campus. Come out, every one, it’s safe now!
Dorothy: Hello!
Del: Munchkin Hall, from the second floor, would like to give you a present.
Hall (singing and dancing on one foot):
I represent the Labor Force Kids
The Labor Force Kids, The Labor Force Kids,
And on behalf of the Labor Force Kids
I wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land
The Labor Force Kids are honored to present you with a copy of my latest Brookings paper on the Phillips curve (holding paper upside down)
Dorothy: Aren’t you holding that journal upside down?
Hall: Well, most people think it slopes the opposite way, but they’re wrong, as you can tell by looking at the 454 model, which is empirically fitted on one observation.
Dorothy: But are you sure your paper is right?
Hall: Well, there are actually a few—actually, I—uh –as a matter of fact, I’d better warn you that some of the things I told you last term aren’t quite true. But here (taking another BPEA) is my latest Brookings paper on inflation, and I promise that this is my absolute last word on the subject…until next Fall.
enter Domar: On behalf of all the Munchkins, I, the Mayor of the Munchkins, welcome you to our land.
Dorothy: I’m pleased to meet you. But, please, sir, what exactly is a Munchkin?
Domar: Oh, a Munchkin is a sort of peasant. Actually, some Munchkins are workers, but most are peasants. I am the Mayor because I love to talk about peasants.
Dorothy: Why do the Munchkins need a Mayor? Is it hard to keep law and order?
Domar: Oh no, it’s no trouble at all. Munchkins are a friendly, peaceful folk who live in harmony and concord, except for a few who live in Lincoln. The only reason they need a mayor is because Munchkinland is a Mayoritocracy. Why, all the Munchkin laws are in this little book (hands Dorothy a book)
Dorothy: It’s awfully heavy for such a little book.
Hall: That’s because they’re all iron laws.
A Munchkin: Now let us all rejoice and tell happy stories!
Hall: 14.454!
(laughter)
Adelman: 14.124!
(laughter)
Dorothy: I don’t get it.
Domar: Oh, around here all you have to do is mention some course numbers and everyone thinks it’s funny.
Dorothy: Can I try it?
Domar: Be my guest.
Dorothy: 14.383
(everyone starts crying)
Domar: Why did you tell such a sad story? You’ve upset everyone!
(shrieks, rumbles)
Wicked Witch: Who killed my sister?
Dorothy: I thought you said she was dead!
Del: This is her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West.
Dorothy: You have two wicked witches?
Hall: O yes, you wouldn’t believe the trouble we’ve had around here because of doubles witching!
Wicked Witch: Who killed my sister? Was it you?
Dorothy: But I didn’t mean to.
Wicked Witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!
Dorothy: What little dog?
Wicked Witch: You’re supposed to have a little dog!
Dorothy: Well you can’t expect us to reproduce the movie in Toto!
Del: You are in great danger, my dear, and you had better go and seek out help.
Dorothy: Who can help me?
Del: Perhaps the great Wizard of Mit can.
Dorothy: Can he pull a rabbit out of a hat?
Del: Well, he’s no Hal Varian, he can only do half a rabbit at a time.
Dorothy: Sounds like hare-splitting to me. But how do I find him?
Hall: It’s easy: just follow the gray cement.
Dorothy: (looking at ground) Follow the gray cement…follow the gray cement…(bumps into wall) Hey! Your were wrong, this path doesn’t lead anywhere.
Hall: Yes, I realized it wasn’t true as soon as I said it, but I decided not to tell you.
Adelman: Before you go, I, as the chief Munchkin expert on the oil industry, will make a prophecy: you will go safely to Mit and he will return you to Kansas.
Dorothy: Why does being an oil expert mean that you can see the future?
Adelman: Everyone knows there’s lots of prophets in the oil industry.
Dorothy: I sure hope this turns out better than some of your other predictions.
Del: Now my dear, you’d better start on your way to Mit.
Dorothy: How do I get there? And no funny business this time!
Del: Let’s see. I know I have it written down here somewhere (rummaging on table; picks up envelope, looks on back) Oh yes, here it is. All you must do is follow the yellow brick road…to Government center, change for the Green Line to Park Street, then take the Red Line to Kendall.
Dorothy: Follow the yellow brick road…follow the yellow brick road…
All: (singing)
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow the yellow brick road
Follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the,
Follow the yellow brick road
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of Mit
We hear he is a wonderful WizThough most of his stuff is—ahem!
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was
The Wizard of Mit is one because,
Because, because, because, because….
(everyone looks around in confusion, shrugs shoulders, and walks off stage).
ACT II
Dorothy Meets the Scarecrow
(Scarecrow is standing as if held up by a pole, his arms stretched out. Enter Dorothy)
Dorothy: Follow the yellow brick road…follow the yellow brick road…? But there’s a fork in the road! Where do I go now?
Scarecrow: You could go down the golden rule path. (He points left.)
Dorothy: (startled) What was that? There’s no one here but a scarecrow!
Scarecrow: Or, you could go down the turnpike. (He points right.)
Dorothy: (to the audience) Wasn’t he pointing the other way?
Scarecrow: Of course, some people just can’t differentiate between the two. (He points both ways.)
Dorothy: You did say something, didn’t you? (Scarecrow looks silly pointing both ways:) Are you doing that on purpose or can’t you make up your mind?
Scarecrow: That’s just the trouble—I can’t make up my mind—I haven’t got a brain…only straw. (He says sadly.)
Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?
Scarecrow: I don’t know (thoughtful pause). But you’ll find there’re lots of people around here without brains who do an awful lot of talking.
Dorothy: What do you mean by that?
Scarecrow: I may not have a brain, but I have enough sense not to answer that question. Besides, it’d be tasteless, and we’re leaving that sort of stuff to Perloff and the fourth year class.
Dorothy: But won’t they get into big trouble for that?
Scarecrow: Maybe so, but at least they can run away—I’m stuck here on this pole.
Dorothy: Oh, that must be very uncomfortable—what do you do up there all day?
Scarecrow: Well, everything I see reminds me of sex, but I’m trying to keep it out of this skit.
Dorothy: Here. (She walks over to him.) Maybe I can help you (Scarecrow acquires a lecherous grin.)…get down, that is.
Scarecrow: If you could bend the nail down I might fall off. (She does so, and the scarecrow falls down and flops around a bit.) Oh, thank you! Thank you! You really know how to knock down a straw man—you’ll do fine here. But I’m still a failure because I haven’t got a brain.
Dorothy: What would you do with a brain if you had one?
Scarecrow: (aside) I think that’s a cue for a song.
Dorothy: But you can’t sing—I heard you in rehearsal.
Scarecrow: You’re not kidding! But neither can anyone else in this skit, so people had better just get used to it. Besides, the audience seems pretty juiced up anyway.
I could wile away the hours
Reading Robert Clower
Or even J. M. Keynes
It would be no enigma
When things grew at rate sigma
If I only had a brain.
I could put down Milton neatly
And Franco quite discreetly
They’d suffer boundless pain
I could do a lot of thinkin’
I could be like Don Patinkin
If I only had a brain.
Oh I
Could tell you why
Growth theory’s such a bore
And what god made grad students for (?)
And then I’d sit
And think some more.
I could solve for optimality
With primal and duality
And never feel the strain
I could normalize the vector
That describes the public sector
If I only had a brain.
Dorothy: (running off) …oh my god…
Scarecrow: Wait! (shouting, running after her) You didn’t even introduce yourself!
Dorothy: Oh, yes …I’m Alice…I mean Dorothy.
Scarecrow: What are you doing here?
Dorothy: I’m going to see the Wonderful Wizard of Mit to ask him to help me get home.
Scarecrow: Where’s your home?
Dorothy: It’s one of those places where ivy doesn’t grow—you’ve probably never heard of it.
Scarecrow: (slowly, with tone of contempt) Oh, yes… but how did you ever get here from there ?…Well, no matter…Hey, do you think this Wizard of yours could help me get a brain?
Dorothy: Probably not. No one around here seems to have nearly enough brains for himself—much less enough to give away.
Scarecrow: But isn’t it worth a try? Hey, look—maybe he has one but he’s just not using it very much—then he’d never miss it if he gave it to me.
Dorothy: You’re right! (excitement builds!) Come along then!
Scarecrow: Hooray! We’re off to see the Wizard!
(Dorothy and Scarecrow exit, skipping and singing, “We’re off to see the Wizard….)
ACT III
Tin Woodsman Scene
(Tin man on stage, Dorothy & Scare crow walk in
Tin Man: (with mouth closed) Oil can.
Dorothy: What was that?
Tin Man: (more clearly) Oil can.
Scarecrow: I think he said “oil can”.
Dorothy: Where would we find an oil can in the middle of the forest?
(Oil can hops in: harmonica fanfare)
Dorothy: What a coincidence!
Oil Can: Not really, I was out in Chicago waiting for this to happen. You see, we left the Tin Man in a seminar room all by himself…
Dorothy: …and he was so lonely he cried and rusted shut?
Oil Can: He kept right on talking and was bored stiff.
(Oil Can and Dorothy loosen up the Tin Man)
Tin Man: …yes by the way it works in my model…
Dorothy: (interrupts) I have a question.
Tin Man: Yes?
Dorothy: You look very peculiar for a Tin Man. Everyone else in the room uses at least two axes and you don’t even have one.
Tin Man: Well the reason I can do that is I find an axe isn’t so good. No, a two man saw is much more efficient.
Oil Can: The truth is he can’t cut down a tree without a co-author.
Dorothy: (to Oil Can) You have a very interesting accent. You sound just like someone I know but I can’t quite place it. Hmmm…I know who it is! You sound just like Jeremy Bulow.
Tin Man: I promise from now on I’m going to be witty and entertaining and I will try to maintain a high rate of interest.
Scarecrow: That doesn’t tell us much. You promising to set a high rate of interest is like the young man who swears to lead a virtuous life. You still don’t know what he’s going to do with his hands.
Tin Man: I’d like to tell you a few more characteristics of my life’s story, but I see it’s five o’clock and we’re out of time.
Oil Can: That’s ok, this skit goes until 5:30.
Dorothy: You do that one more time and we’re sending you back to Chicago.
Tin Man: The reason I keep talking about my model is because I haven’t got a heart.
Dorothy: Do you mean that when the tinsmith made you he left out a heart? How sad.
Tin Man: Oh no, I had one originally. But you see I thought Milton needed one a lot more than I did, so I gave it to him. Then he sold it to the University of Chicago Art Gallery.
Dorothy: Huh?
Oil Can: Both the gallery and Uncle Milton have always wanted to hang a Modigliani.
Dorothy: Why do you keep on talking about your model when you should show a little restraint?
(into song sung by Tin Man except where indicated)
There’s a money demand equation
a free reserve relation
difficult it ain’t.
Class attention I’d be keepin’
And there’d be nobody sleepin’
If I only showed restraint.
I do model simulation
of disintermediation
the notion’s really quaint.
I could talk to Kenneth Arrow
or even Robert Barro
If I only showed restraint.
Riddle me
economy
above a voice cries low
(Dorothy) Wherefore art thou, Franco?
I estimate!
(thump, thump)
(Scarecrow) I integrate!
I’d forget about consumption
study peasants like the Munchkin
be quiet as a saint.
(Oil Can) I’d have time to teach you theory
Students wouldn’t get so weary
If I only showed restraint.
Dorothy: Are you always around to take care of the Tin Man?
Oil Can: What do you take me for, a one night Stan?
Dorothy: Which way to Mit?
Tin Man: (In Italian) I think it’s that way. (point)
Scarecrow: Sheer madness.
Dorothy: Yes, that way would be better.
Scarecrow: Sheer madness and a Talmudic argument.
Dorothy: Well then, how about that way?
Scarecrow: Sheer madness, a Talmudic argument, and if God had intended us to go that way. She would have put up a sign post.
Oil Can: Never mind, Mit lies that way.
Dorothy: How can you be so sure that road will converge to Mit?
Oil Can: Elementary, it’s the perfect foresight path.
ACT IV
Cowardly Lion Scene
Dorothy: Oh my, the path leads us into this forest. Do you think that there are any wild animals there?
Scarecrow: Maybe a lion or two, nothin’ to get worried about.
Dorothy: Lions! Do you think we’ll meet any?
Tin Man: Don’t worry Dorothy, we’ll protect you.
Scarecrow: (to Tin Man) But who will protect us?
Tin Man: Shhh. Besides, the only lion that lives around here is the economist’s best friend—the regression lion.
Dorothy: A regression lion? I’ve never heard of one of those before. Are you sure they won’t attack us?
Scarecrow: I don’t know for sure but there’s a pretty harmless one called OLS, it’s BLUE.
Tin Man: That’s a lion of a different color.
Scarecrow: Of course, there is always the GLS…, it’s ferocious.
Dorothy: What color is GLS?
Scarecrow: Blue.
Dorothy: So how will we be able to tell them apart?
Scarecrow: Sometimes they’re the same thing.
Tin Man: But the meanest and baddest lions in the forest are (pause, then whisper) FIML.
Dorothy: OLS?
Scarecrow: (nodding his head) GLS.
Tin Man: FIML.
Dorothy: Oh my!
All: OLS, GLS, FIML…
Dorothy: Oh my!
All: OLS, GLS, FIML…
Dorothy: Oh my!
(Repeat the above chant with Dorothy’s ‘Oh my!’ several times, faster and faster. Go around in circles so that the three are facing the entrance/exit and they are heading towards the entrance when out pops the lion roaring, Dorothy screams.)
Lion: RRRRRROOOAR!!! (to Tin Man) Hah, so you’re trying to hold the money workshop in the forest without inviting me.
Tin Man: But, but….
Lion: Just don’t let it happen again, hey Tin Man who’s the chick with the clown?
Dorothy: (scared) I’m not a chick, and he’s not a clown, he’s a scarecrow. And he’s smart too, so you’d better be careful.
Lion: So ya think you’re smart do ya’? (Scarecrow shakes his head “no”.) Oh yeah, well put ‘em up, wanna see who can prove that three stage least squares is asymptotically efficient? (Scarecrow is shaking and on his knees, begging, and shaking his head) See, he’s scared. Hah! Com on ya dummy, I’ll let you prove it in thirty lines, I’ll do it in less than ten. Ah, come on scarecrow, I’ll let ya use my colored chalk, I’ll use white chalk, I’ll even erase the board for myself. (Scarecrow is on the ground paralyzed with fear. To Dorothy…) See, he ain’t so smart.
Tin Man: You really shouldn’t act this way…
Lion: Don’t criticize my acting. Will you shut up or do I have to turn you into a sculpture for the East Campus? I wonder what you would look like with your head put on backwards?
Dorothy: (running behind and pulling his tail) Don’t hurt Tin Man, he just can’t restrain himself, it’s not his fault. You shouldn’t make fun of Scarecrow’s scarcity of wit either. Do you think you’re perfect?
Lion: (starts crying) Ah why’d you have to go and pull my tail, I wasn’t trying to hurt nobody. I was just having my own sick, perverted, disgusting fun (bawls some more).
Dorothy: My goodness, what a fuss you’re making. You’re nothing but a big coward.
Lion: You’re right, I am a coward. Just look at the circles under my eyes, I haven’t slept in weeks.
Tin Man: Why don’t you try reading Patinkin?
Lion: I can’t, I’m afraid the suspense would kill me.
Scarecrow: Maybe the Wizard could help you. He’s going to give me a brain and him restraint and he’ll help get Dorothy out of here.
Lion: (To Dorothy) You think he could do it?
Dorothy: He’s a Wizard isn’t he? Oh, do come with us, it’s worth a try, come on.
Lion. OK, it would really be terrific if the Wizard could give me courage (he lapses into song….)
“IF I ONLY HAD MORE NERVE”
When I’d speak I wouldn’t mumble,
I would seem so meek and humble.
All that you would observe.
And I’d answer all your queries
When I’d lecture on time series,
If I only had more nerve.
I’m afraid there’s no denyin’
that this regression lion
Can’t even draw a curve.
But I know that this kitty
Could give lectures truly witty,
If he only had more nerve.
Oh I…..’d be King of Mit,
My realm the whole third floor,
Editor of Econometrica,
And then I would teach
Three-eighty-four!
I would humbly beg your pardon
If I’d seem to come too hard on,
Decorum I’d observe.
And I’d be just like your brother,
No longer a mean mother-…
If I only had more nerve.
Dorothy: I wouldn’t worry if I were you, it took a lot of nerve to sing that song.
Scarecrow: Shall we go to see the Wizard?
Tin Man: Let’s go!
All: (Arm in arm, they go off singing) We’re off to see the Wizard….
(break for commercial)
Narrator: We will return to the Wizard of Mit after station identification.
Housewife: Mothers! You may have compared guns to butter, but are you uncertain what brand of butter to choose? Try new Scotch brand mean-preserving spread. Scotch brand sticks to your bread. Just a wee bit removes the uncertainty as to which side your bread is buttered on. In 9 out of 10 families, it produces a higher level of margarine utility. And, as part of a budget-constrained diet, Scotch brand mean-preserving spread can help preserve your means.
Narrator: Preserve my means of what?
Housewife: Your means of payment.
Narrator:(Snorts) I don’t know what means of payment! I don’t have any bread.
Housewife: So remember mothers, all brands of butter are not indifferent. Next time you are at the supermarket, try Scotch brand mean-preserving spread. You can differentiate it by the little Scotch on the rooks. (Pointing to package.)
Narrator: And speaking of Scots, don’t forget to get your tickets for the Adam Smith Roast, April 12, commemorating the 200thanniversary of the publication of the Wealth of Nations. Join us for an Eve with Adam.
We now return to the Wizard of Mit, already in progress.
ACT V
“Waiting for the Wizard”
Scene 1.
Man at door: (Wizard with a Groucho Marx disguise of glasses, nose, and moustache) I’m sorry, but the Wizard is busy, you’ll have to wait here.
Lion: If I had more nerve, I’d tell him a thing or two. He wouldn’t dare talk to the King of Mit like that.
Dorothy: Your majesty, if you were king, you wouldn’t be afraid of anybody?
Lion: Not nobody, not nohow, nuthin’.
Scarecrow: What of non-linear estimation?
Lion: I’d do it on my vacation.
Tin Man: How ‘bout a grad student with a question?
Lion: Wouldn’t even affect my digestion.
Dorothy: Not even errors in variables?
Lion: That wouldn’t be so terriable.
Scarecrow: But what of a fixed-point theorem?
Lion: I wouldn’t even fear ‘em.
(Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tinman look at each other confused and together say)
All (but Lion): How?
Lion: How?…..Courage.
What makes Jim Tobin cool in inflation?
Courage.
What makes Ken Galbraith so ready to ration?
Courage.
What makes Frank Fisher insulting
Though he’s never here and always consulting?
Courage.
What makes Scarf so easily able
To prove his equilibr’um stable?
What makes Diamond’s neoclassical fable?
Courage.
What makes Domar so concerned with the serf?
Courage.
What lets Lance Taylor know wheat from the turf?
Courage.
What gives Eckaus the decision on money?
What gives Bob Bishop the right to be funny?
Courage.
What makes Hatanka hot?
What puts the “P” in Hall’s P-dot?
What do they got that I ain’t got?
Others: (loud) Tenure!
Lion: You can say that again.
(Out pops Wizard’s head in disguise again)
Man in disguise: You may come in, but please don’t make so much noise.
Scene 2.
(Dorothy, Scarecrow, Lion, Tin Man, and Oil Can meet the Wizard
Scarecrow: There’s the wizard!
Dorothy: Oh Wizard can you help us? Can you send me home?
Scarecrow: Can you give me brains?
Lion: Can you give me courage?
Tin Man: Can you give me restraint?
Wizard: (In deep voice) I am the great Wizard of Mit. Of course I can grant your requests for I am faster than hyperinflation, more powerful than an explosive cycle and able to leap tall nonnegativity constraints in a single Cramer-Rao bound.
But first you, Dorothy, must capture a set of the bluest coefficients from the Wicked Witch of the West—and you, Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man, must help her.
(Dorothy, Scarecrow, Lion, Tin Man, Oil Can exit, talking with one another about what they are to do)
ACT VI
The Castle of the Wicked Witch
(Dorothy, Tinman, Scarecrow, Lion, Oil Can on stage)
Tin Man: This is Harvard, so the Wicked Witch’s castle must be around here somewhere.
Scarecrow: But we haven’t seen any building named Bronwyn Hall.
Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible. We’ll never be able to get those coefficients, and I’ll never be able to go home. (sobs)
Lion: Wait a minute! There’s a computer. I’m sure it will be more than happy to solve our problem for us.
Dorothy: Yes, but how can we use it without an account? Oh, if only someone would give me some computer money! (pause) I said: Oh, if only someone would give me some computer money!
enter Del: Hi! Did I hear you calling for something?
Dorothy: Please, can I have some computer money?
Del: How much do you want?
Dorothy: Twenty-five should be enough.
Del: Oh, that’s alright then. If you want more you’ll have to go see Professor Eckaus. Here you are (opens change purse and gives Dorothy a quarter) (leaves)
Tin Man: Well, now you can run the equation, although I must admit I am rather skeptical about your getting any results. In the last 17 papers I have co-authored on this subject I have failed to find any significant influence of…
Dorothy: (interrupting) Don’t you think we’d better get this over with?
Lion: Now Dorothy, it’s not nice to interrupt someone like that.
Oil Can: You know, Dorothy, if the Regression Lion has to give you lessons in tact, you’re in real trouble.
Dorothy: Well, anyway, let me see what comes out. (Puts quarter in machine, rips off sheet of paper.) Hey this is gibberish! That’s very peculiar.
Lion: Oh, I don’t think it’s peculiar. It fact, it’s quite normal.
Scarecrow: Why is it normal?
Lion: Because I’ve seen it happen lots of times, and anything becomes approximately normal after about 25 observations.
Dorothy: All that it says on this printout is “Error 1039”. Does anyone know what that means?
Lion: No, but we can look it up in the version 2.7 manual.
Dorothy: Well, you do that. I’ll go see if I can find Bill Dellafar (starts to walk offstage, shrieks, is yanked off)
Scarecrow: Error 1039, error 1039, let’s see: it says, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too.”
(all look around)
Tin Man: The Wicked Witch must have taken Dorothy!
Scarecrow: But where?
Wicked Witch: Ha ha ha! You know I’m here somewhere, but you’ll never find enough restrictions to identify me!
Lion: Now what are we going to do?
Tin Man: If I knew you were going to ask that question, I would have put it in my model, which I have to believe in, because if I don’t, who will?
Scarecrow: Now look, I don’t have any brains, so I don’t know any econometrics, and I wouldn’t believe it if I did. But I have an idea. What we have here is an identification problem. Now what does that make you think of?
Oil Can: Money!
Scarecrow: Everything you hear makes you think of money. Everything I hear makes me think of sex, but I’m still trying to keep it out of the skit.
Dorothy: (offstage) you’re not trying had enough!
Scarecrow: I mean Frank Fisher.
Lion: But we can’t afford him. He charges 100,000 bucks to testify against witches.
Scarecrow: Yes, but the second year students have never had Fisher, and don’t know him from Irving. If you (pointing to Lion) go around humiliating students and saying incomprehensible things, nobody will know the difference.
Lion: All right, I’ll do it. I’m gonna go in and set the system of equations (1) in the normalized form (4) after deleting the columns corresponding to the a priori known elements of beta and gamma, which will allow us to use equation (14) to derive the Fiml estimator delta-hat in instrumental variable form. And there’s only one thing I want you guys to do.
All: What is it?
Lion: Talk me out of it!
Scarecrow: Okay, let’s go!
(Dorothy comes running out)
Tin Man: Come on Dorothy!
Wicked Witch: You won’t escape me!
(Dorothy trips over wire)
Wicked Witch: What have you done? You’ve pulled my plug! I’m going down, I’m going down…
Tin Man: The Wicked Witch is dead; but now how are we going to get the coefficients?
Scarecrow: Well, since I don’t have a brain, I always cars this HP 55 with me, since it’s the next best thing. Maybe we can calculate them on this.
Dorothy: But will it do everything we need?
Scarecrow: Not by itself, but we have all sorts of special accessories. (While this happens, computer begins moving into audience, saying “Mommy”, “Where’s Browyn Hall?”, etc.)
Lion: For example, we can test for cereal correlation with this (pulls out a box of cereal)
Oil Can: And correct for it using the special CORC attachment! (pulls cork out of bottle, passes bottle around)
Tin Man: We can take t-statistics with these (tea bags)
Lion: And we can perform Chow tests with this! (dog food)
Scarecrow: We can use Almon Lags (almonds), and it will be no problem to scramble the variables (eggs).
Dorothy: Stop! We’ll never get them unscrambled! But can we get a variance?
Oil Can: You’ll have to go to the zoning board for that.
Scarecrow: And this will be only too glad to do hill-climbing for us (climbing gear)
Dorothy: It sure looks like a lot of work.
Scarecrow: That’s true, but it may be what God made graduate students for. Presumably she had somethingin mind.
(computer now speaks to Bronwyn Hall)
Computer: Good evening, Mrs. Hall. Here’s something you thought you’d never see: the very last bug from TSP (gives her bug).
ACT VII
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man return to the Wizard
Dorothy: (places coefficients before Wiz) Are they blue enough? Will they get me back home?
Wizard: That depends on whether the Lerner-Lewis-Leontief-Lousy operator meets the Bishop-Bowley-Bentham-Bogus condition on top of the Samuelson-Savage-Slutsky-Silly contour integrals.
Lion: But the coefficients—will they give me courage?
Wizard: (absent-mindedly) This reminds me of what Cournot said to Bernoulli when they were ruining gamblers in St. Petersburg…
Scarecrow: Please Wizard! Tell us if the coefficients are good enough to give me a brain!
Wizard: Or am I thinking of the time Edgeworth trampled on Pareto’s bordered Hessian and Villy came after him swinging a Markoff chain?
Tin Man: (knocking over poster of wizard to expose man reading Newsweek) Hey, this is no wizard—he’s a fake!
Wizard: Yes I admit—I get all my economics from Newsweek—I don’t understand those things I say any more than anyone else does.
Dorothy: You mean you don’t know what Shephard’s lemma is?
Wizard: I’ve never even seen a sheep.
Lion: You don’t understand the Wong-Viner envelope?
Wizard: I’ve never even been in a Chinese stationery store.
Dorothy: Then you can’t get me back home!
Lion: You can’t give me courage!
Scarecrow: Or me a brain!
Tin Man: Or me restraint!
Dorothy: I can’t believe that all the Munchkins have been saying how great you are when you’re a complete phony.
Wizard: I’m sorry, my dear, but it’s true. I’m an exact, pure humbug with or without the social contrivance of Munchkins. Now, Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man. Don’t get excited. There’s one thing that will help you all—when you have it the lack of brains, courage, and restraint doesn’t matter at all.
Scarecrow, Lion, Tin Man: (together) What is it?
Wizard: (sings)
I’m a dullard and a coward
and my math’s not so high-powered
my column’s not so wise.
Though I made a lot of money
No one thought my jokes were funny
‘Til I won the Nobel prize.
Though my thought is quite as narrow
as that of Kenneth Arrow
my ego’s twice his size.
Though I make a silly blunder
No one ever seems to wonder
How I won the Nobel prize.
refrain:
Koopmans, Kantorovich, Frisch
Tinbergen—I’m better than them all.
Next to me they scarcely count at all
I love me so
And you should know…
If you want a commendation
Just give me a small donation.
I’ll tell all sorts of lies.
So you see you can be winners
even though you’re just beginners
When you win your Nobel prize.
Scarecrow, Lion, Tin Man: (together) Oh, thank you Wizard!
Wizard: It was nothing. But Dorothy, how are we going to get you back to Kansas?
Dorothy: Kansas? What’s all this about Kansas—I want to go back to Australia.
THE END
Source: Personal copy of the script of Irwin Collier.
Image: Left to right: Paul Krugman as the Wizard of Mit, Jeffrey Frankel as Oil Can, Margaret (Feiger) Agnew as Dorothy, Irwin Collier as Lion, Dick Startz as Tin Man. From Irwin Collier files (photographer unknown).